I Drink Punch, Therefore I Am
by KillerMay
Summary: The mushrooms... They just keep laughing. CRACK. One-shot


**AN. **Just leave. TRUST ME.

Pairings include: TamakiKyoya? HikaruHaruhi? MoriKaoru? HoneyUsa? TamakiMushroom?

SERIOUSLY. LEAVE. WE'RE ON HARDCORE AFTER NINE-THIRTY CRACK. NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS AFTER NINE-THIRTY.

* * *

Haruhi opened her eyes. Where the hell was she?

The room was blue with pictures of various forms of money taped to the wall. There was also a large poster that held the words "THINK ABOUT THE CASH" in large red letters. She was still only half awake, but the whispered words of "eight million yen" made her quickly turn around.

That was when she realized she was on top of Hikaru. Who was on top of Honey. Who was on top of Kyoya.

And suddenly everything made even less sense.

She assumed she was in Kyoya's room, because honestly? Who else would have a motivational banner about making money and money in general on their wall?

"Good morning, Haru-chan!" Honey said, excited. Finally someone else was awake! He had been lying there with Hikaru and Haruhi on top of him for about three hours now. He realized that he could of moved them if he wanted too, but then again - he would've woken them up.

"O-Oh... Hi Honey-senpai," she greeted. "What exactly happened?" she asked, almost not wanting to know the answer.

Honey opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a yawn. Kyoya had woken up.

Now, keep in mind - waking up to three people on top of you is enough to make anyone a little out of character.

"What...the bloody fuck are you doing on top of me, hoes?" he asked, angrily.

Honey tilted his head, confused. "You don't remember either?" he asked.

"KAORU!" Hikaru screamed, jumping up, Haruhi falling off of him. He looked around and then finally turned his attention to the fact that he had just thrown Haruhi off of him. "Oh, sorry Haruhi," he said. "I didn't realize you were going to profess your love for me tonight - you should've called."

Everyone in the room was waiting for Tamaki to burst into the room - he never did.

Being able to move his arm now that the extra weight of Haruhi was off of him, Kyoya reached up and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Do you recall anything that happened the previous night, Hikaru?"

"What do you mean Kyoya-senpai?" the ginger replied. "Is it the day after whenever already?"

"So it seems," was the reply.

"...Where's Kaoru?"

"Kaoru got arrested," Honey supplied. "Him and Takashi were trying to steal some cupcakes for Tama-chan - they never came back."

"...Can we all get off of Kyoya now?" Four-eyes said, referring to himself in third person. Hikaru rolled off of him, onto the floor next to Haruhi - who had fallen back asleep. Honey, however, stayed on top of him, wrapping his arms around the black-haired male's neck.

"We have to find Takashi, Kyoya-chan!" he cried, squeezing Usa-chan.

"I thought you said he got arrested," Haruhi said, rubbing her head from where she fell. Apparently, she wasn't asleep. Who knew?

"No, Kaoru-chan got arrested! Takashi ran away!" Honey yelled. "Does that mean he's a wanted criminal? I just want some cake!" By now, he was really crying.

"We have to get Kaoru back!" Hikaru bravely said from his place on the floor.

"Let us focus on one thing at a time," Kyoya said. "On one hand, we don't know where Mori is, and we could get Kaoru out of prison, easily - I'd like to point out that I'm not paying bail - on the other hand - Honey is about to cry."

The three worked to calm the blond down. Then Kyoya said, "Okay Honey - you're the only one that seems to remember anything about last night. So - what exactly happened?"

"Well, you see..."

_"Hey guys, you have to try this," the twins said in unison, holding up a glass of punch._

_"It's really good," Kaoru said, taking another sip. He held it out to Tamaki._

_"Please," The king said, scoffing. "I would never want anything that your mouth touched." He walked over to the punch bowl and poured a glass for himself. Taking a sip, he said "Hm...it is pretty decent, I suppose." He whipped around to where Haruhi was standing, holding the glass out to her. "Here Haruhi! Daddy thinks you should try this!"_

_"I'm still not going to call you daddy," she said, but she took the punch anyways. Mistake number one. Kyoya looked at his clipboard._

_"This party planner said nothing about punch - they need to be more efficent."_

_Tamaki rolled his eyes. "Here mommy," he said, taking the glass from Haruhi (mid-sip) and handing it to Kyoya. "Just drink it." Instead, he just stared at the glass._

_"Maybe later."_

_"What about you, Honey?" the twins asked. "Do you want to try some punch?"_

_"No thank you!" He replied. "I have some nice milk to go with my cake! Takashi can drink it for me, though!" And with that, Mori grabbed the cup of punch from Hikaru and gulped it down in one sip._

_"Is that good, Mitsukuni?" he asked, quietly._

_The blond nodded. "It's great, Takashi!" he said, holding Usa-chan tighter. It's a shame nobody saw the look in Mori's eyes before they all had another glass - Kyoya getting his own._

_"Would you like anything, Honey?" Mori said, quickly after a few minutes._

_The short boy raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow. "Are you okay, Takashi?" he asked. "You seem different."_

_"No, I'm fine, why do you ask?" he asked, still speaking quickly. "Did I say something to offend you? I'm sorry, Honey - you know I didn't mean it!"_

_"...B-but you never call me 'Honey'!" A light bulb lit up in Honey's head. Oh. Crap. A look flashed across Mori's face._

_"I'm sorry, Mitsukuni. What ever can I do to make it up to you?"_

_"Stop talking, Takashi!" he cried dramatically. "Something is horribly wrong here!"_

_"I'm sorry I upset you, Mitsukuni!" Mori cried. "I didn't mean too!"_

_Honey backed into a corner, holding onto his bunny like a lifeline. "S-Stop it, Takashi! You're scaring me! Stop talking! Just stop!"_

_They were interrupted by a crash. "Did you see that?" Hikaru cried. "That mushroom was laughing at me! That rainbow mushroom was laughing at me!"_

_"I saw it!" Kaoru cried. "It laughed at me too!"_

_Hikaru became protective. "That damn mushroom laughed at you?"_

_Tamaki stopped what he was doing - (dancing with a pineapple) - and looked over to Kyoya. "Hurry Mommy! That was my mushroom! The only way to stop it is with cupcakes!"_

_Mori smiled, largely. "I WILL CAPTURE THE CUPCAKES!"_

_Tamaki nodded. "Kaoru, you go with him!" he ordered. The two ran off to find the cupcakes that would soon get rid of the evil laughing mushroom. Hikaru silently cried that his brother had left him._

_"OH GOD," Haruhi cried from the opposite side of the room. "THE MUSHROOM IS COMING FOR ME!" Hikaru ran over and stomped the imaginary mushroom. WHY?_

_"No!" Tamaki cried. "The only way to stop it is with cupcakes!"_

_"THAT MUSHROOM WAS LAUGHING AT ME!" Hikaru cried, embracing Haruhi._

_"You saved me, you sexy sexy man." Even though something was wrong with all of their brains, everyone was astonished to hear this come from Haruhi's mouth._

_"Oh no, Haru-chan!" Honey cried. "It's infected you, too!"_

_"You mean that damn mushroom had a virus?" Hikaru asked._

_Tamaki snapped. "Oh no, little boy - I know you did not just say that to **my** woman!"_

_"Yo woman?" Hikaru yelled. "I don't think you **have** a woman, lil' boy."_

_Haruhi jumped between them as they moved closer, ready to fight. "Stop!" she yelled. "There's enough of me to go around!"_

_"That's it!" Tamaki cried. "I don't need a woman anyways! Come on, Mommy!" he yelled. "To the bedroom!"_

_And with that, he grabbed Kyoya by the arm and dragged him off to said bedroom._

"Wait," Kyoya interrupted Honey's telling of the story. "Are you _sure_ that's what happened?"

"I remember that mushroom," Hikaru said, darkly. "It just kept laughing!"

"I'm sure," Honey said. "I don't know if you did anything - 'cause I wasn't watching or nothing, but there were a lot of weird noises..."

"Wait," Haruhi interrupted. "How did we end up like this?"

"Well, you see..."

_"I'm tired," Kyoya said, looking at his kool-aid. He then proceeded to fall asleep._

"Wait," Kyoya interrupted again. "I thought I was with Da-Tamaki."

"You were," Honey said. "This is later."

"...Tell it in order, you midget," Hikaru complained.

"...Then maybe you shouldn't ask questions in the middle of it," Honey said, turning his eyes to Haruhi.

"Okay, whatever - what happened while Tamaki and Kyoya were doing things?" Haruhi asked.

"Well, you see..."

_"I'll protect you from the mushroom, Haruhi!" Hikaru panted, bravely. The mushroom morphed through his shoe after he had tried to step on it._

_"The only way to stop it is with cupcakes!" Tamaki cried from inside the bedroom. Sirens wailed from outside the building. Honey ran outside, being the only one not busy._

_There, he saw Mori and Kaoru running through the streets, holding hands. "Go on without me, Takashi!" Kaoru cried. "I can't make it! I'll be fine!"_

_"I won't leave you!" Mori cried._

_"No! I'll be fine! Go on without me, my love!" They then shared a romantic scene before Honey's very eyes. Tears welled up in Honey's eyes as Kaoru's lips were implanted onto Mori's. Before he knew it, though - Kaoru was being loaded into a police car and Mori was running away from the scene._

"No!" Hikaru cried. "It's not true!"

"It is," Honey said, darkly. "I saw it - it was frightening. Do you know how tall Takashi is? And then Kaoru is like...a ginger. Just... no."

"...I don't believe you!" he yelled.

"Well - it's not like you were too innocent either," Honey said, all-knowingly.

"Ooh, what happened," Hikaru said, leaning in.

"Well, you see..."

_Honey ran back inside - that image was never going to leave his head. WHY?_

_But something much worse was about to enter._

_Have you ever had a poisonous insect sting you in the eye, blinding you permanently? Honey really wished that had been the case._

_"Oh, Hikaru!" Haruhi said. "Push harder!"_

_"I'm pushing as hard as I can! It won't fit!"_

_"Maybe it's the shape?"_

_"There's nothing wrong with the shape, Haruhi - it's just too big!"_

_"It's the wall to a birdhouse, dammit! Make it fit!"_

_Now, this doesn't sound too bad - except they were doing it naked. JUST KIDDING! Hikaru was wearing Haruhi's underwear. (:_

_"I thought you were a girl, Haru-chan!" Honey cried, dramatically._

_"I did, too!" she replied. She looked down. "Oh wait, I am!"_

_"Haruhi, look! THE SHROOM!" cried Hikaru, dropping the birdhouse._

_There it was, changing colors before their very eyes. Then began the laughter. Yes, the laughter!_

_"Oh DEAR GOD!" cried Haruhi, throwing her face onto Hikaru's chest, "MAKE IT STOP!"_

_Honey tried to find the mushroom, but there was nothing there! Nothing!_

_From the bedroom, Tamaki cried "YOU MUST TRUST IN THE POWER OF THE CUPCAKES!"_

_Completely ignoring Tamaki, Hikaru instead grabbed Haruhi's hand and ran into the bedroom where Tamaki and Kyoya had previously went. (Let it be said that they were both fully clothed by now. Sex doesn't last that long, children.)_

_Shoving Tamaki out of the room, Hikaru grabbed onto Honey's small hand, and locked the door behind them. Tamaki knocked on the door. Kyoya opened it and had clothes thrown at him. Hikaru then made a point to slam the door closed and lock it again._

_Once Hikaru and Haruhi were fully dressed, Kyoya made an announcement. _

_"I sure could go for some kool-aid," he growled, "I wonder if they have any of the invisible kool-aid."_

_"I don't know, it IS your house!" Hikaru barked, covering Haruhi's eyes._

_"TAMAKI!" Kyoya yelled, "FETCH ME SOME KOOL-AID!"_

_"What's the magic word?"_

_"Please, Daddy?"_

_Tamaki then proceeded with finding the invisible kool-aid. BUT HE COULDN'T, BECAUSE IT'S INVISIBLE. So instead, he got grape. Little did he know, Kyoya HATED grape kool-aid, and insisted on only having watermelon or invisible. But when he returned to the kitchen, there it stood - THE MUSHROOM!_

"Wait, hold on," interrupted Haruhi, "How did you see what Tamaki did if you were in the bedroom with us?"

"That's easy," grinned Honey menacingly. "Usa-chan has a camera installed in him!"

With a shudder, Hikaru opened his mouth.

"Please continue. What happened next?"

"Well, you see..."

_So majestically fought was the battle of the Mushroom Cabinet. But Tamaki never would have expected the Mushroom would have multiplied, and worst of all - EACH ONE WAS HOLDING A CUPCAKE! IT HAD DEFEATED ITS ONLY WEAKNESS!_

_Trembling, and falling to his knees, Tamaki was defeated. _

_But to expect the unexpected under these circumstances was not expected._

_Handing over the kool-aid, Mushroom smiled._

_"I love you sweety, and I always will," it whispered. kissing Tamaki's head. Tamaki's lip trembled._

_"M-mommy?"_

_He grasped the kool-aid in his hands as the mushroom shook its head._

_"No, I'm your sister."_

_"Oh. I still love you."_

_Then, Tamaki ran back to the room and thus handed Kyoya the kool-aid._

_"Thanks, Daddy."_

_With this, he invited Tamaki in, and Tamaki slept...under the bed. Kyoya was also growing tired._

_"I'm tired," Kyoya said, looking at his kool-aid. He then proceeded to fall asleep._

_Honey jumped into his lap, now holding Usa-Chan who had mysteriously crawled into the room. "No, Kyoya, stay awake!"_

_Hikaru jumped on top of Honey, dragging the already sleeping Haruhi with him._

"And that's what happened."

"But if that's true," inquired Haruhi, "Tamaki must still be in here..."

Everyone jumped as they heard it - those words - and looked straight at the bed.

"Oh," the bed whispered, "I love you too Mommy."

"He must still be asleep," Haruhi giggled. Hikaru sighed.

"I guess now all we have to do is get Kaoru and Mori back. Then we'll have to go into hiding for a while. Are you up for it Haruhi?"

A look froze on Haruhi's face.

"Haruhi?"

Hikaru looked around to everyone. They were all frozen, it seemed.

"Hey, guys? You okay?"

Hikaru felt weightless. Suddenly he realized he was floating. They were all floating. Kyoya, Usa-chan, Honey, Haruhi, and himself were all slowly rising to the ceiling. They then passed through the ceiling. Soon, they saw Mori and Kaoru floating too.

"KAORU!" cried Hikaru, but no one heard him. What he didn't know was that everyone was going through the same thing - no one could hear any of them as they cried for each other.

Looking up, Hikaru saw that they were being gravitated towards some type of UFO. As the bottom of the saucer opened, he saw them - the mushrooms. And they were laughing.

.

.

.

Shuddering under the bed, Tamaki whispered "No...more...mushrooms..." and then silently fell back asleep. Grasping the cupcake in his hand, he knew they should have listened - for he was protected.

* * *

**AN. **Yes. They got abducted by alien mushrooms. No. This doesn't make sense.

WRITTEN WITH SARIGO DEVIANTART . COM (:

Remember children - NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS AFTER 9:30 and drugs are bad.

_review my minions._


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